I HAD A MAN. HE WAS A GOOD MAN. THAT IS, YOU SEE, WHAT I MEAN IS I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOOD MAN. I HAD A FRIEND. SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND. I TOLD MY FRIEND ‘BOUT MY MAN ‘CAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND. LIFE WAS SWEET. DIDN'T I HAVE MY MAN? WORLD COMPLETE... THEN THE FIREWORKS BEGAN. AIN'T GOT NO MAN. AIN'T GOT NO FRIEND. I BET YOU CAN GUESS JUST EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. THAT WAS THE END, THE END OF MY FRIEND, THE END OF MY MAN, AND ALMOST THE END OF ME. OH YES, OH YES, I HAD A MAN. OOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO, THAT IS, YOU SEE, WHAT I MEAN IS I THOUGHT HE WAS A GOOD MAN. I HAD A FRIEND I SAID, I HAD A FRIEND UMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM I TOLD MY FRIEND ‘BOUT MY MAN ‘CAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND. LIFE WAS SWEET. DIDN'T I HAVE MY MAN, MY MAN WORLD COMPLETE... THEN THE FIREWORKS BEGAN. AIN'T GOT NO MAN. AIN'T GOT NO FRIEND. I BET YOU CAN GUESS JUST EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. THAT WAS THE END, THE END OF MY FRIEND, THE END OF MY MAN, AND DARNED NEAR THE END OF ME.
Danny Kaye's wife, Sylvia Fine, adapted it to a jive version that was done in a Mail Call program in 1944 by Danny and Dinah:
“TESS'S TORCH SONG - JIVE'
Dinah: LOVE, IT CAN GET YOU IN THE STRANGEST MESSES. I KNOW YOUR STORY WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE TORCH OF TESS'S: YOU HAD A GAL... Danny: I SWEAR ME MOMMA, OH WHAT A GAL WAS MARY. Dinah: SHE WAS YOUR BEST GAL... Danny: OH BEAT ME DADDY, WHAT A PAL WAS MARY. Dinah: THAT IS, YOU SEE, WHAT I MEAN IS YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR BEST GAL. Danny: SHOOT THE BARE FACTS TO ME, FAIRFAX. I HAD A FRIEND... Dinah: OH, JOE, JOE, JOE THE ROCK OF GI-GIBRALTAR. Danny: HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND... Dinah: OH, SO-SO-SO SO SWEET AS CHOCOLATE MALTER. Danny: I TOLD MY FRIEND ‘BOUT MY GAL ‘CAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND! Dinah: SHOOT THE BROMO TO ME, RAMON. LIFE WAS SWEET... Danny: I WAS A HA-AA-APPY MAN! Dinah: WORLD COMPLETE... Danny: THEN CAME THE BUST-UP, THEY BUSTED MY TRUST UP. THE FIREWORKS BEGAN. Dinah: YOU LOST YOUR GAL... Danny: OH, LEARNED JACKSON, BLOW THOSE BLUES FOR ME. Dinah: YOU LOST YOUR FRIEND... Danny: OH, MURDER, MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE! Dinah: I GOT A FEELIN' THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN. Both: THIS WON'T BE THE END -- NO, NO I'LL FIND A NEW FRIEND -- YES, YES I'LL FIND A NEW GAL -- HO, HO THIS WON'T BE THE END OF ME.
Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL WELL ALL-ROOT WITH A HEP-A-HEP-A-HEP-A AND A STEP-STEP-STEP Dinah: GREETINGS, GATE, HOWYA BEEN? Danny: OH FEELIN' GREAT, GIMME SOME SKIN! Dinah: LOOKIN' SHARP! Danny: OH, SHARP AS A HARP! Dinah: FEELIN' KEEN? Danny: HEY, KEEN AS A BEAN. Dinah: NO TEARS FOR MARY? Danny: AS DRY AS A PRAIRIE. Dinah: NO WOE FOR JOE? Danny: OH NO, NO, NO. Dinah: NO BEATIN' THE GRAY? Danny: OH NAY, NAY, NAY. Dinah: NO BUSTED TICKER? Danny: OH, TICKER TICKIN' SLICKER. Dinah: WELL, TOAST ME, MELBA IS THIS A FACT? Danny: BEAT ME DADDY --[hand slap]-- AND I'LL HIT YOU BACK!
Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL-WELL ALL-ROOT WITH A HEP-A-HEP-A-HEP-A AND A STEP-STEP-STEP Danny: HEY, GOOD LOOKIN'! Dinah: WHAT'SA IS-A COOKIN'? Danny: FEELIN' GROOVY? Dinah: GROOVY AS A MOVIE! Danny: SOFT AND MELLOW? Dinah: MELLOW AS-A JELLO. Danny: WANNA BE MY CHICKEN? Dinah: NOW YOU'S A-CLICKIN'! Danny: NO YAK-YAK? Dinah: SOLID, JACK! Danny: WELL, RATION ME SOME PASSION, PITCH ME SOME WOO Dinah: ON THE BUTTON, GLUTTON --(kiss)--SMACKEROO! Danny: WELL, GRILL ME, LAMB CHOP WELL, ALL RIGHT! Dinah: CROWD ME, MAMA, ‘CAUSE IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL-WELL ALL-ROOT WITH A HEP-A-HEP-A-HEP-A AND A STEP-STEP-STEP (They do a verse of echo-scat, Danny leading.)
Both: WELL ZOOT, WELL BOOT, WELL-WELL ALL-ROOT WITH A HEP-HEP-HEP-HEP-HEP!
